How to organise a political rally -- a user's guide
Posted on September 12, 2015
These are uncertain times. And thus, they lead to folk wanting to express uncertainty. And crossness. And demands for governments to get off their well-padded arses and do something (I'm looking at you, DUP. And again.)
Also and thus, unncertain times additionally lead to uncertainty expressed uncertainly.
This is mainly in the form of political rallies and demonstrations, where uncertainty seems to be a deliberate technique on the part of rally organisers and attendees. (This is probably so that rallies are more difficult to infiltrate by The Man.)
Off to a political rally? Organising one? Here's how to keep it real (man)*:
1. Never start on time
More people could always show up!
Yes, even if it's a rather large rally in the centre of London on a sunny day with thousands of people there well before the start time, and not a mere local issues meeting in a cold town hall in a regional city.
MORE PEOPLE COULD ALWAYS SHOW UP.
2. Have speeches before starting
Speeches are an essential part of any rally. The more the better!
Have a variety of speakers from a range of different groups, all starting later than the advertised time and going on longer than scheduled.
And, no matter what issue is being protested, be sure to have at least one speaker shout, 'Shame on you, [current prime minister].' This is guaranteed to raise a cheer.
Bonus points if most of the attendees cannot hear the speeches.
3. Keep them waiting (more)
Once you think it's time to start, tease attendees by having people at the front of the crowd move forward slightly, stop, move forward again, and stop again.
The attendees behind, having waited around for over an hour despite turning up at the right time, will surge forward hopefully on each occasion thinking that the rally is finally starting.
Repeat as many times as your mirth can stand it.
4. Have a heady mixture
A successful rally/demo must have all the following:
- those who look like they've just left work (i.e., suspiciously well-cut)
- those with coloured dreadlocks
- the brightly-patterned baggy trousersed: this subsection should also have mismatched socks, shoes that should be on a different outfit, and a general air of 'bothering to actually co-ordinate my outfit/iron my clothes is bowing my neck to the yoke of The Fashion Man'.
- earnest parents with small children (bonus points if small child is holding a placard; extra if parents are dancing to bemused child)
- those in marginal political parties and with An Agenda
- young people with loud cut-glass accents (LONDON BONUS)
- poorly disguised undercover police/ journalists
- the professionally/still drunk
- clueless hangers-on
- those for whom going to demos and rallies is clearly a professional occupation. (See: persons with drums, below.)
Once you're ready to let attendees start, always have someone with a boombox (very high power only), or, even better, a 'tech bike'.
The person running the 'tech bike' should always roll a joint before the rally starts, just in time for when The Action starts. They should also have a tin of Carslberg or other lager inserted into the bottle space of their bike. It's a rally, man!
Also have as many attendeees as possible use VERY LOUD whistles VERY CONSTANTLY.
The whistle blowing should ideally be to rhythms only inside the whistler's head, and made with absolutely no regard for anyone walking beside them at any time. (This rule should especially be regarded if anyone near a whistler visibly adjusts their hearing aid.)
Small children are especially helpful in ensuring that the entire rally can hear whistling throughout. Parents – be sure to help little Orlando out here!
(Also ensure that at least one person in the rally is actually selling whistles. LONDON BONUS: whistle price must be at least £5.)
There must be at least one person with a drum. AT LEAST.
LONDON BONUS: Be sure to have as many people as possible bring their bicycles to the rally and wheel them in the middle of the crowd along the entire two-mile course. Pointing out that it might be more considerate to wheel bikes on the pavement during a rally of several thousand people is bourgeois.
It is also not a successful rally unless several people trip over a bike's back wheel while the rally is in progress. Complaining about this if you are one of the fallen is against the Spirit Of The Day.
Should not work.
10. Megaphones #2
Megaphonees should be under the impression that their megaphones work.
No-one should disillusion them of this at any point.
Along the route, be sure to have spectators at various points climb up onto lampposts, dance on top of litter bins, whoop, holler, show off and otherwise show how Into The Rally they are without actually attending or joining it. Yeah!
At the destination, have people mill around in confusion for at least half an hour, before starting more speeches via another inadequate sound system.
Again, no-one should be able to hear the speeches even with the inadequate sound system: this time due to the presence of the boombox, tech bike and loud whistling people detailed above.
Bonus points if there's no real 'end' to the rally, just people hanging around after the last speaker asking each other if 'that's it'.
After the speeches, ensure that the boombox and tech bike people hold an impromptu party in the middle of the road, surrounded by posh-voiced/coloured-legged attendees utterly delighted that they're at an impromptu party in the middle of the road, and Facebooking/tweeting same. (See  above.)
14. MEDIA COVERAGE
Be covered by a Daily Mail columnist (mega bonus points) or by the Telegraph (still-good bonus points) as an outrage to decent society and the reason why the country is:
- going to the dogs
- overrun by immigrants
- overrun by feminazis
- overrun by the 'professionally offended'
ULTRA MEGA BONUS POINTS!
... if these phrases are included in any newspaper piece or comments below the line:
- 'It's political correctness gone mad.'
- 'What's happened to free speech?'
- 'You can't say anything these days.'
- 'I'm only saying...'
- 'In my day...'
'Things were better when men and women knew their place.'
MEGA MEGA ULTRA MEGA BONUS POINTS!
Ensure that your rally/demo becomes a question in the Daily Mail. Samples could be:
- 'Why ARE so many British young people [insert random stereotype here]?'
- 'Why DON'T British women care about their appearance?'
- 'As the country descends into immigrant crisis... why SHOULD we share our NHS/schools/roads/Waitrose?'
Congratulations! You now have the correct tools to hold a successful rally or demo in any city in the world! Don't forget your whistle.
*apropos of nothing. Keep protesting, peeps. To the barricades!